Current mood:	loved
Current music:	The Beautiful Mistake - December

Pointless
I'm in one of my more serious moods. I guess it's bad. *shrug* It's funny what a good manga (namely Pet Shop of Horrors) can do to one's mind.

It's really good for love stories, despite the title. I love the sense of gain and loss in the end of each story. I can't quite explain it. It's almost irony. It's not a happy ending. But it's not a sad one either. The people always end up getting what they wanted, just not the way they expected it. *sniff* I like the one with the ignored little girl. (I don't want to ruin anything, so I won't give out any more info than that.)

So, let's see. My thoughts. Well, there's my homework. Ugh. Freakin' human phys. Damned packet on male infertility and....fuck. I gotta do research on some freakin' morula. I just rememebered. But TOMORROW too. Egh. I'll do it now. >< And the second page outline. I've got to meet my group again as well....shit. This is turning out to be a lovely morning. Freakin' crap. Well, it's just a freakin' morula. How much more could you possibly learn about a freakin' ball of 16-32 cells? It's the fourth mitosic division. Ooo. Hard work, innit?

And Pet Shop of Horrors is takin it's effect. After reading through those people's ruined (love) lives, I reflect on my own. From my newly acquired confidence (where the hell did it come from, anyway? O.o Maybe Kei's right. It's the boots) to....well, that's pretty much it. I suppose I've just gotten fed up with bein' walked all over. After a while, it does get on your nerves. And after finding out everything with Hamish.... I mean, I'm surprised I can even trust friends now. Much less even lean on Lei. =\ His experience, in honesty, has done nothing more but decrease my faith in humanity as a whole and think even less of killing a person should I need to. (Or if they happen to pick a fight with me on a bad day. Though, there are a few exceptions where I would kill simply because I don't like them any more. :) )

On a side note: wouldn't it be fun to forget how to smile or cry? To always feel blank, because no one was ever around?

One a sider note: speaking of smiling, Chris says me laugh is contagious. I suppose smiling isn't all bad, if the people I care about benefit from it. The rest of you fuckers can rot in hell ad die.

Now, back on topic. Pet Shop of Horrors and me feelin' the effects. And ruined lives. Anyhoodly, then a love story pops up. (The mermaid one is sweet. ;-; I loves it so.) And so I begin to think back. And I realize how stupid I was. I honestly don't know what I was thinking. There are many things I thought about that I know now are really stupid. One if Hamish. What in the WORLD made me think we could last? This leads to another thing. No one ever has one single love that lasts throughout their lives. There are a few, but there's no such thing now. Whatever made me think the one I fell for hard would be the one who'd stick with me? I'd at least have to go through on major, ripping, shredding break up - one that would change me. I wonder how many more lie in wait for me? I never had much luck in love - everything else, though, seems to always go great.

Well, this gets me thinking more deeply with Hamish. And I realize just....wtf? Seriously. Tossing my heart out like that was folly. To allow him to keep it was just plain suicide. We can't deny we knew everything was wrong from the start. The reason I started liking him was a lie that he held all the way to the end. And it's just like....what the HELL was I thinking?

And then I think about what he had to offer me. And, sure, it's an alright thing. I mean, I considered all these (fantasies to be sure, but it's nice to dream far ain't it?): some security, logic, wit, good source of good music, a pretty face to wake up to, an exotic place (N.Z. It's exotic enough fer me)and if I go even farther...perhaps financial security (to a degree. xD;' who knows if either of our spending habits will improve by then), a good enough house of sorts, friends and plenty of them, perhaps even a child. He'd also offer transportation (car xD;'), an emotional void, nights full of verbal fights without an end, a lingering sense of depression, affairs I try to ignore, a sense of lacking and regret for not escaping when I should have.

And though there are good, it's just no worth the sacrifice. I loved, I lost, and I moved on for the better. What I found is, in his own words, "a festering wound. An oozing black orifice" and some other things to make it sound disgusting and shit, and to me, gives me the urge to poke it with a stick. A stick, because, sticks are always so much more funnier. (And goddamn you Hamish for making me second guess myself for a day or two. >/) In any case, I think of what he has to offer me. Racial discriminations to be sure (yay minorities), deep rooted issues, a bit of a scary/fucked up side, a pretty cold hearted front, a somewhat lak of motivation at times, a very funny five o' clock shadow, a feminine voice, not the best spelling (xD We all have our moments. But still. Useing? I didn't know people our age still made that mistake), a very empathetic soul, an understanding mind in the field known as emotion, an arguement in the playful sense (PINK!), someone who's been hurt more than enough times, someone who can't give me everything, but he can give me his world. I mean, at least now I feel *loved*, not like saying "I love you" is a burden or a password to gain some type of access into me.

And as stupidly dramatic and poetic and other shit this sounds, I've decided. I should've told you when I had the chance, but whatever the fuck. I hear how he talks of his heart (like something diseased), and all I have to say is this: I'mma take it, and I'll patch it up with horrible, obvious stitchings and second hand materials. And it won't be the best job, and it won't look all that great. But I'll have done it, and it will be mine, and that's all it needs to be special. =/

................oh yeah, manga does some weird shit to you. I don't even know why I confess it all here. More than likely, it's just to get everything down so I don't forget what I wanted to say. I felt it important, no matter how many times I repeat it. It's....just that great.